that right! 2 days and the doctors expect me to be dead. i just can't wait to shove it in their faces! i am alive mother fuckers. i think i might just stop going to the doctors in all because all they do is lie anyway. or they lie to me atleast.
anyone elses doctor lie to them?
these steroids must work really well because they are keeping me alive. if i were to not take a steroid, then i would seriously feel dead.
and i still don't have a penis yet. which is good. i am not growing any hair in weird places. i am not getting harrier. that is good right?
last night i woke up to someone sobbing. it was my father! what the hell? i don't get it. he was in my room sobbing. he had just gotten home from work. i don't know why he would sob. he has all the money in the world. his tattoo shoppe is going great! he could be sobbing because he misses mother. or maybe he was sobbing of joy for my brother. who knows...
so, i got out of bed. my steroids had worn off. so, it was hard for me. i walked to my father who was sitting on the couch in my room. he was crying about me! holy shit. who cries over me? the last time he cried was when we were in england visiting home.
so i got it out of him. he said that he hates seeing me go through this. it is worse than watching mum die. he said that no one deserves to go through anything like this.
i was calm the whole time. it is sad to see my father like this. so, i simply told him that i am not in any pain (lie). i am doing fine (lie). and i am obviously not ready to die. i just am not. (not lie)
what does he do? he says that i have two days left according to the doctors. i told him it was bullshit.
he hugs me so tight that it hurt. but i didn't tell him that.
right then matt walked into the room to get into bed. he is pretty much living with me right now. he watches me because no one is home anymore.
anyway... i hate seeing guys cry. if a guy is crying then something really must be wrong. if a girl cries... usually it is over something stupid.
so anyway, matt saw my dad hugging me and crying. so, matt decided to let my dad sleep in my room. matt went to sleep in the hall way on the couch.
i remember every night i had a nightmare i would crawl inbetween mum and dad in their bed. i hated for the longest time to sleep in my own room. i got scared easily. the night freddie mercury died i crawled into mum and dads bed. the night mum died i crawled into dad's bed. my brother did the same. the night my ex-boyfriend killed himself, i crawled into dad's bed.
is this possibly dad's nightmare? he has two children that are going to die. the only children he had. however, my brother certainly has longer than i do. even though he has aids, people can live with that for a long time. people can live with leukemia too, just not me. i am one of the unfortunate ones.
so, i climbed into bed, and so did my father. this is the only time i felt like a parent. my father was really hurting.
i remember the few seconds bedore my mum died that my father said "i will never ever love another woman." and that was it. he hasn't. he still keeps his wedding band on.
anyway.. that is my sad story....
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">2 days until 2 weeks - 2004-11-09
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