today i woke up to the best smell in the world. i know.... that sounds weird. but i smelt bacon and eggs and toast and pancakes. trent went all out this morning. when i fully woke up trent was standing right there. he kissed me and asked if i knew what today was. i said "awesome breakfast in bed day"... i know what today is... it is monday, september the 19th. my birthday.
the breakfast was wonderful. that was about two and a half hours ago.
after breakfast trent and i showered and went for a walk on the beach we got married on. he treated me like royalty and no one has ever done that to me before. he isn't acting like this just because it is my birthday, he treats me like royalty every single day.
i've gotten plenty of phone calls this morning from friends calling to wish me a happy birthday. sammy and his wife came over to say happy birthday.
i haven't celebrated my brithday since mum passed. i had a party last year, but i was so messed up on drugs i don't remember much of it.
today, i don't plan on celebrating it again. i've gotten depressed over the fact that mum isn't here anymore. she's been gone for 4 years. she physically wont be here for the stages of my pregnancy. she physically wont be here to see my child born. she isn't here to watch me grow up. she isn't here to comfort dad when he has his bad days. she isn't here to see johnny and how healthy he is. she wasn't here when he was diagnosed with AIDS... and wasn't here when i was diagnosed with leukemia... but i am sure i will feel her presence.
although, i think that it is because of her that i beat cancer and am living here today. it is because of her that johnny's health for someone who has aids is incredible. and it is because of her that dad has stayed so strong.
i think i will always miss my mum. of course i always think why did it have to be her. but, if it wasn't that way, i would still be living in england, i would have never met trent. dad wouldn't have his successful shoppe. johnny would have never made the close friendships he has made with the vip's that go into the club that he works at.
in a way it had bettered all of our lives. but it still hurts deep down.
anyway, time to go to work. i haven't seen my dad yet today. i was thinking about him today... and i had a dream about his last night.
anyway, i talk about how my brithday went later
One by One. Only the good die young. They're only flying to close to the sun. But life goes on, without you.New Years - 2007-01-02
Halloween - 2006-10-30
She has definately has some sort of impact - 2006-09-25
Her very last entry... This is my very first... - 2006-09-19
My goodbye - 2006-05-03
">waking up - 2005-09-19
 |
 |