i lie a lot about how i am doing. if someone asks me how i am doing. i put the clown make-up on and say i am great! i've never been great. i feel the best when i talk to my matt. maybe i feel some sort of comfort. maybe it truely was meant to be. maybe right before i die i should fly to arizona and have a last minute marriage and then i can say i died happy.
i am unhappy. i am unhappy that i am sick. i am unhappy that i cant fulfill the requirements of making people happy. i am unhappy that i am/was addicted to drugs. i am unhappy that i am unhappy. the more unhappy i get the more it becomes unliveable.
the party was my highest point of happiness in a long time. i hate surprises however. but everyone being there was just so perfect. i realised then that maybe i am scared of loneliness. i always need someone with me for comfort and love.
there was never a point when i was along except for those 5 split seconds i jumped off the band wagon. i feel so bad about even doing it because i tried to stop for a reason. it wasnt enough to get me to where i would enjoy the drug. so that is good. i don't have any urges to want to take it.
but the matt from california saw me do the whole thing nad he bugged me about it for the rest of the evening. he stayed the night at my house last night because i wasnt going to let him drive home at 2 in the morning. he was really tired. he slept in my room but not in my bed, on the couch. of course he tries every once in a while to win my love. but there is no way. i think that i am happy where i am. I THINK.
anyway, i have decided to come clean yet again. since i have stopped or tried to stop the heroine, i myself, have not been doing so great. i have been getting extremely depressed. about a day ago i just couldnt handle it. i was alone. i can't stand being alone. i felt unhappy. i was crying all day. i grabbed a razor blade and cut myself. I AM SORRY! i just couldn't handle it. my problem is that i just cant go on living like this. i WANT to get better, but no matter how many times i have tried i cant. all help donated will be accepted and returned in a helpful manner.
i also have another problem. i dream too much. i have been dreaming a lot of night mares of me dying. maybe i am close to the end. i dream that i join my mother. i don't want to go just yet! i don't. i am not ready. i just cant do it.
if it is any day that i die on, i would love for it to be november 24th. i want to feel at one with the man i have lived my whole life for.
a few of the people who came by for the party are staying for a while. maybe they know what is wrong. maybe they too think i am going soon.
i look brittle. anything can hurt me now. i am no longer strong pain wise. i gain weight that then i will loose it again.
my whole body hurts. i am on so much medication, but it doesnt help me at all.
i told the truth. everything is open.... i am sorry if i hurt you.
One by One. Only the good die young. They're only flying to close to the sun. But life goes on, without you.New Years - 2007-01-02
Halloween - 2006-10-30
She has definately has some sort of impact - 2006-09-25
Her very last entry... This is my very first... - 2006-09-19
My goodbye - 2006-05-03
">i lie - 2004.09.20
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