since i could remember, i have tried to be the perfect person. the person that everyone comes to for help, the person that everyone falls in love with, the person that everyone wishes they could be, the person that everyone looks up to.

i am no where near that. even though i wish i could be that person, wishes don't come true.

maybe that instinct of me thinking that popped in when i was young. i remember someone telling me that i was just so perfect. i don't know who they were. i don't remember what they looked like. and i know for sure it was not a dream because my father once talked about that person. whatever happened to them? shame on them for making me think this. it has screwed up my whole life.

i feel that everything that i have thought or done in the past is normal. i thought the permiscuous sex was normal, everyone killing themselves was normal, everyone in the drug scene was normal, my addiction to heroine was normal, my addiction to every other drug was normal, my intentions to go to a party just to get drunk was normal, all of the disfunctional relationships i was in were normal.

i haven't had sex in over a year, maybe i can be a virgin again. i miss being a virgin. i was just so pure, i was nothing like the way i that i am now.

13 of my friends have killed themselves. why? i just think that i hung out with the wrong crowd. there was no reason for them killing themselves. maybe it was this clan that i was supposed to join. i remember everyone having this date when they would kill themselves on, or kill themselves somewhere close to it. 8 of them killed themselves in the same month. i tried to stop them, but everyone had vanished.

i've had 2 friends die from ODing. one overdosed on meth. the other overdosed on heroine. there was no way to counteract the problem. it was too late. the one on meth started going through this horrible convulsions right beore he died. i was there, i watched the whole thing.

my addiction to heroine started a year ago. i had first moved to america. i had tried heroine before that, but i didn't think much of it. the problem slowing sarted getting more frequent. i felt it was a way to forget all about the things i have done in the past. it took my pain away for sure! but it only took it away for 3 hours. that is if i didn't keep shooting up. and recentley i decided to stop because my behaviour just got worse. people started to notice that i was on this horrible drug.

I have done almost every drug. it was normal. or atleast i thought that it was. i never got addicted except for heroine. my father was concerned and sent me to rehabilitation for it. i only went to 5 meetings. i got sick of it because i knew that i didn't have much of a problem. i thought that i was having fun. which is what it felt like at the time.

i used to go to parties only to get drunk. i would have these weird behaviours at these parties too. i would call orgies in the pool. i would drag someone with me to a bed room. i almost got raped a few times. i would go streaking. it is plain crazy. i don't just get drunk now. i get drunk on occasion. only when i feel like having a good time. i don't get drunk to forget about my problems.

believe it or not, but i've haven't had many relationships. only two that i can remember at this point in time. in the first relationship the arse raped me and that was a big no-no. i left him right there. of course i could have done more to prevent that whole situation. but i thought that it was love at first. i did and that was what made me ill about the whole situation. within a week later i reported it and dumped him. he is still in prison.

the other relationship had to have been the best one out of the two. it was wonderful. well, in the begining it was. he was the most beautiful person alive. he called me one night and told me to wear my favourite dress and that to be ready by 7pm. i was picked up in a limo all by myself. i was dropped off at an expensive resturaunt. in which i ended up paying the bill. after our dinner, he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. i told him i wasnt ready. he pulled out a gun and shot himself right there. blood was all over my favourite dress. he died right there too. he was obsessed over me.

and now, i am engaged to a guy who i haven't heared from in a month. it's horrible.

when i tell people about myself, they think my life is a luxury. sure i may have a lot of money and i have met a lot of famous people. but it doesn't mean that i am happy. i hate this life. i hate all this money that i have. infact i just bought a hand couch and sent it to a random address. i do anything to get rid of this money.

i think as time goes on however, i learn to appreciate everything more. i don't have much time left, i can tell. i do whatever i can to make my day full. i hate staying at home being sick. so, i still go to school. i don't think that i am sick enough to stay home. i've lost 3 more pounds, so that makes me 107 pounds. nothing can give me an appetite anymore. i wish i was fat. and then i could loose all of this weight. but now, i was skinny to begin with, and now i look like a clone of mary-kate. maybe i should just eat plain fat. maybe i should just eat a bunch of carbohydrates.

i don't think that i will ever reach perfectionism for the remaining time i am alive.

past or present

New Years - 2007-01-02
Halloween - 2006-10-30
She has definately has some sort of impact - 2006-09-25
Her very last entry... This is my very first... - 2006-09-19
My goodbye - 2006-05-03
">perfectionism - 2004.10.03

email: