today, i was feeling a little down. i woke up hoping that i wouldn't wake up. i was in my bed all alone. it was just so warm. so, i get up and go to the athroom and brush my teeth. as soon as i start coming down stairs i smell breakfast. no one knows how to cook in my family. i hear the bacon sizzling. the eggs cracking. the pancakes flipping. the hash browns crunching. something that i never heard in my household since mum died.

so, i walk the rest of the way down stairs. everyone was eating at the kitchen table. there is never a time when everyone is sitting at the kitchen table. maybe 1 or 2 people sit there.... but there was 3 and one was cooking. dad, joe, and johnny were sitting that the table. who is cooking???? matt is cooking. he notices right away when i came down. and he gave me a big kiss when i came down. i just wanted to jump on him ans screw him right then and there. eccept, i didn't take a steroid yet and i would possible pass out before we finish.

my hair is as messy as can be. i was in a tank and some of matts boxers. i looked horrible. matt looks wonderful and cute in his pjs. of course he took my pj's and put them on this morning because i was wearing his. last night he only slept in his boxerbreifs.

he tells me i look beautiful. whats the occasion? why is everyone so damned happy? i never seen anything like this except a year ago on thanksgiving. so, it hit me that it was thanksgiving. a day to give thanks for all that you have.

matt fixes me up a plate. and he fixes himself up a plate and we all sit down for breakfast.

later on my father and i walk to the grocery store to get some alcohol. it was a day to celebrate. all we know what to make is rum cake, and vodka jello. we don't know how to make a turkey, or stuffing, or cranberry sauce. we are bad cooks!

i woke up at about 11am. my father and i went to the store at 2. we came back at three and it smells so good in the house! when my father and i walked to the kitchen matt's mum was there cooking all the food! it was so lovely. so i said hello to her and made some small talk and kissed her on the cheek. it has been a while since i have seen her. she is such a soccer mum. she is very supportive of matt in anything he does. she went with him to get his first tattoo which was a skull on his forearm. anyway... i ask her if i could help with anything and she said to just sit down and rest. i was like ok. maybe matt told her that i cannot cook worth shit because i was joe go up with her and they both started cooking. thank goodness we have 2 ovens in our home.

we ate dinner at 8. it was a bit late. but the turkey took a long time to cook! it was so good though! not as good as mum's could be though. but almost there! however, matt did the whole grace thing that normal families do at thanksgiving. it went something like ,"to the man upstairs. thank you for blessing everything that each and everyone of us have. thank you for witnessing johnny and joe getting married. thank you for letting andrew (my dad) have a great business. thank you for keeping my mother strong. thank you for showing me the way to luci. thank you for keeping luci strong. (at this point i am thinking that i had no fucking clue he was religious)you have helped her prove to many that they were wrong on how her health was. she is healthy thanks to you. thank you for giving us all of these blessings. maybe you can help me later on tonight." ok, what the fuck did he mean later on tonight. then he paused and everyone said amen. that stuck in my mind for the longest time. it was weird! so, i go on eating my food. i ate just enough so i can have some vodka jello and rum cake later on and get smashed.

so, after dinner, we all gathered around to toast. maybe its a tradition in american families???? matts mum, who's name is pheobe, states that we should toast with our fizzy piss (champaine) and so on. so we gathered around on the gazeebo in the backyard. my father put lights up earlier that day and lit them up at night. it looked lovely. except it was damn cold. so, each and everyone of us got to toasting. matt went last.

matt turned to me and said (it is not exactly what he said but it is close to it),"before i met you luci, i was suicidal. i didn't want to live. i had nothing to live for. the doctors put me on medication but i never took it because i was too depressed to. the day i met you, i started following through with the doctors and knocked down the boundaries in my mental state of mind that kept me depressed. everything changed. i soon didn't even need any medication. my mother noticed a change in me. i told her about you and she wanted to meet you right away. once you met her she loved you right away. you were a beautiful soul as she put it. as i got to talk to you more and more i loved what i heard and saw. i never felt like this before. it was different in a good way. when i learned about your medical problems it didn't change the way i felt about you. i felt sad, but i knew there was probably nothing i could do about it besides stay at your side and help you through anything. of which i did. i fell in love with you. it was fast, but i fell in love. and i want to ask you something so show you my love."

ok... this is where i started freaking out. i had tears in my eyes, he had tears in his. im sure everyone else had tears in their eyes. this was it. it felt right this time. i wasnt going to hesistate on this.

he pulled out a ring that looked so damn familiar.

"will you marry me?" he asked. i was speechless. i wanted to say yes. there was no way i was going to say no because i truely loved this person. as i think of it, the first month i knew him was when i think i fell in love with him. i know everyone thinks that i am crazy, but, i don't have much longer left. ad i really felt it this time.

i collapsed on my knees and i cried. i wish mum was here to see this. between all the sobbing and the sniffles i got out a yes.

we hugged. everyone clapped. it was so damn lovely. it was beautiful.

it turns out that matt had the ring he got me especially made just for me. it looks just like my mothers. so, i do not have to worry about loosing my mothers ring now. i got my own to worry about.

i didnt get smashed. i was so happy. is this it?

past or present

New Years - 2007-01-02
Halloween - 2006-10-30
She has definately has some sort of impact - 2006-09-25
Her very last entry... This is my very first... - 2006-09-19
My goodbye - 2006-05-03
">i love him i love him i love him - 2004-11-25

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