well, tomorrow is the day freddie died, 13 years ago. so, when i was diagnosed with leukemia, and when the doctors pretty much told me i was going to die, i planned to die on this day. it would be a day of not mourning, but celebration.

if i wasn't going to die naturally, i was going to kill myself. i didn't care who i would hurt. i don't think that everyone sees the pain that i go through. i am still not accostumed to this new lifestyle. i live on steroids. i just have been perscribed medicinal weed. i can hardly go on my daily runs without my steroids. there are days that i don't even think that i can make it.

i know that i talk about myself a lot. but this is getting down to every single detail.

when i was first diagnosed i cried. i cried for months. it seemed unreal. how could i have leukemia and I wasnt even legal in the united states. i felt so horrible. i blamed it on myself. when i first came to america i felt really weak but i didn't think much od it.

i started blaming everything on myself. the the fainting, the sickness.... everything.

i had had enough of it. i was tired. i still am tired. im tired of being tired.

i had it all planned out. at night i was going to OVERDOSE on any pain medication that i had. that way it would have looked like i might had died naturally. except there would be vomit everywhere and i probably wouldn't be in my bed. i figure though that i was feeling so much hate. i planned it when matt from AZ stopped talking to me. i thought that i was happy with him. he seemed to be everything that i wanted. but what i really wanted was someone to be here physically with me.

while i had started going to school i had met this incredible guy. i was committed enough with matt that i promised myself that i wouldn't do anything with this incredible guy. nothing was going to happen.

soon enough matt from AZ stopped talking to me. i felt like shit. he just left me right then and there. i am not blaming all this on him. but he made me feel worth something.

this new matt makes me feel more than something. he looks beyond the pills and the scars. he is wonderful! i still planned on killing myself.

when he said i love you when we went out that one night, i had forgetten everthing that was hurting me. it felt right. if you do the math he was been around for almost 3 months. we started dating about a month and a week ago. it moves fast, but he has been here so much. we were pretty much dating since the begining. it was only puppy love then.

im was just so tired. now, i have things to do. i am worryless. i feel stronger than ever. i can go a whole day with out steroids.

maybe all i needed was love! i needed love outside of the family love. something that i can look to when i am in the worst pain ever. ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE!

oh... and i did play the piano naked. well, i had a towel around me. i was naked later on that night!

i confessed. i hope i didn't shock anyone. i am not going to die tomorrow. i am not. i feel i have a few more months.

past or present

New Years - 2007-01-02
Halloween - 2006-10-30
She has definately has some sort of impact - 2006-09-25
Her very last entry... This is my very first... - 2006-09-19
My goodbye - 2006-05-03
">time to be truthfull right? - 2004.11.23

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