and so a whole new journey is begining. i have to learn how to live again. and life it just plain shitty, but as long as i have my boyfriend and a few close friends by my side, i'll be alright.

the therapy had no affect on me. that's right... it didn't work. infact, they said that i have gotten worse. not from the therapy, just my health.

i cry everyday. but there isn't much i can do. i am on the boarderline of stage 3 and stage 4 in this whole leukemia process. hopefully i am more on stage 3.

while be early stages in growing up i thought it was all just too slow. and now i wish i could rewind anything and everything and enjoy every moment. i would have taken that bullet for my mum. i would have never gotten into any fights. i would have been completely happy. and i would have caught this disease earlier so i wouldn't be living knowing that my chances in living are slim.

college started yesterday. ehhhh.... its good i suppose. i have nice teachers. i hope that they understand if i am gone for a few days for medical reasons.

i am staying at a friends house for the first week of schooling. she wants me to get well rested. she is a wonderful person and i hope she lives the best life a person can ever live.

i've had dreams about matt lately. one of them is boring and one of them is bad. i like the boring one better. so, i'll start with the boring one.

it was really dark outside. matt was driving my 65 mustang. on the hood of the mustang was a big painted picture of the BEATLES crossing abbey road. anyway, i kept on nodding off into sleep. and everytime matt would look at me i would wake up. so, i eventually rested my head on his shoulder then i woke up.

this next dream scares me. i'll tell you want i analyse about it when i am finished telling you the dream.

there was this blue rom. everything was blue, the walls, the ceiling, the floor.... everything. there was no door and no windows. there was a green couch in the middle of the room. i was sitting on it and matt was resting his head on my lap. i was playing with his hair and i started to cry. he just stared at me and i just kept on crying. i said that i had to go and he started to cry and said that he didn't want me to. i said that it was time to. so i got up and this big white hole appeared in the wall and then matt grabbed my arm and said if you go then i will go. then i woke up.

i think that dream represents what will happen to me in the future. the green and blue room represents earth. i was happy before i left but i was sad that i was leaving. the white hole was death. even though i dont believe in heaven or god or hell or anything, it was white. like you know how poeple see the light when they die? like that. it was really bright. i think it represents my passing time. and then matt refused to let me go.

i made him promise me that he wouldn't do anything to himself that i wouldn't like. i hope that he sticks with that promise.

anyway, i have school tomorrow. i stil have to shower and stuff. so, i will talk to you all later.

past or present

New Years - 2007-01-02
Halloween - 2006-10-30
She has definately has some sort of impact - 2006-09-25
Her very last entry... This is my very first... - 2006-09-19
My goodbye - 2006-05-03
">:( - 2004.08.24

email: