i think that the only way i can get things out is to write them all on here. and so here it goes...

having a fiance means that is the person you want to be with for the rest of your life. and from what i am seeing, it doesn't look so much like that. sure he may say that he does, but today is my birthday. i know that he should be able to go out with friends and party all he wants. but today is my day. i am almost sure that he forgot that. i may not be around anymore for his birthday, but i do already have something planned for when i am alive for him. and no it doesn't involve going to go see him because i can no longer go on air planes because they cause me too much stress. i am completely heart broken.

anyway, for those who care, it is my birthday. i am 18. and i am legal in america. what is there to do? well, i woke up and absolutely no one was home. over the past 4 years i have gotten so used to not celebrating my birthday because mum had died. my brother has done the same in doing so.

since everyone was gone, i went to the beach to sit down and rest a little. i talked to mum. i beleive that no matter where she is, she can still hear me. i talked to her for about an hour. i talked to her about matt. i talked to her about this other guy that goes to my school who treats me like complete princess. he doesn't try to get with me or anything because he knws about matt. but he said that whenever matt isnt there, he will be there for me.

then after i went to the beach i walked around sausalito for a while. i walked past the church and i was curious. i know that sunday is a holy day. but i didn't feel too holy. i walked into the church for the first time in my life. i walked up to the man in front because he said it looks like a new comer came in. so i walked up to him and he wanted me to tell everyone my life story. i don't think that this was just an ordinary church. no one tried to force me into this religion. so after i told me all my life story i said i was just walking around and i got curious. they all looked at me with this sense of comfort. it got a little akward. i thought to myself what the fuck i was doing. but where i was i felt like i belonged there. i told them all i grew up being told not to believe in anything that is superior to i am because we all are equal as human beings and there is no one that i higher than us. no one yelled at me or anything. after that weird experience i went back home. no one was still there. i kind of got worried because usually there is someone home. either my brother is home or my father is home. i got bored again so i went back to the beach. it was around 10AM. i just laid there on the sand. not many people were at the beach. then i went back home after about a half hour and as i reached for the phone to call the guy who goes to school with me. the phone rang. freaky right?

anyway, it wasnt him who called me, it was sammy that lives down the street from me. he said happy birthday. i said thanks, but it is not so happy after all because i am home all alone and it was the only birthday i planned on celebrating but no one was here to celebrate it with. he told me to come over to his house so i could celebrate it with him. so i walked into his house and boom, there was a party. all of my friends from england, school, and from san francisco. my dad was there, my brother was there, his boyfriend was there, lora was there, byrd was there. everyone i knew was there. Brian, roger, eddie, carlos, EVERYONE.

even though it was my brother'ss and mum's birthday too they all celebrated my birthday! even the guy from school was there. his name is matt too. a little weird dont you think?

its only 16:26. the party is still going on. and the only thing that i wished for that hasnt came true yet was for my fiance to atleast come on to say happy birthday.

past or present

New Years - 2007-01-02
Halloween - 2006-10-30
She has definately has some sort of impact - 2006-09-25
Her very last entry... This is my very first... - 2006-09-19
My goodbye - 2006-05-03
">fiance???? - 2004.09.19

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