i heard it through the grape vine that matt is supposedly living somewhere where there is no computer. his mum got rid of the connection to the internet so matt could get a job.
jordan told me that he wont be coming back for a long time. should our relationship be in remission? should i wait a week to hear from him? what should i do? everyone says it is up to me, but this is only putting stress on me. i am not supposed to be stressed!
it is bad for my health.
i feel it everyday. i am deteriorating. i feel it slowly happening. i give myself 2 more months. only 2. i don't think anything greater is going to happen.
i look at death with a while new persective. i am going to die. i no longer cry about it. every once in a while reality comes to me. my father wont have any grand children, my brother will have no one to tell his dirty secrets to, my friends are losing a friend, a fiance will be loosing me. i cry. maybe i'll be closer to mum. maybe i will be wherever she is. maybe i can meet freddie mercury again. maybe he will remember me. maybe he wants me to die to be best friends with him.
i want to be a ghost. because people can tell when ghosts are around. so people can tell when i am around. they can tell when i kiss them, or when i hug them.
maybe i can be a ghost and come back to "haunt" certain people.
if i were a ghost, i want to be one who can appear. i want people to see me for a meer second.
i have planned my own death ceremony. of course when i die, i want there to be a party. i don't want people to mourn over my death. i want them to celebrate my life.
i want to be creamated. maybe i should have part of my ashes given to matt. and the rest to be spread in spain with my mum. matt can have a part of me. it might be creepy, but he would have a part of me.
i want him to live life as normally as he possibly could when i go. i want him to be best friends with lora. maybe there would be some kind of hook up. i wouldn't care, just as long as him and lora would be close.
lora came crying to me yesterday. she said she wouldn't know what to do when i go. she said in these exact words :
"you have inspired me to be who i am today. i became a better person. i became a better friend. i became a better sister. and when you are gone i don't know what i would do. there is nothing that i wouldn't do for you. you're one of the best friends i ever had, and i most certainly wont ever forget you."
she made me cry.....
so, i told her she must go see matt for me when his birthday comes. she has to party with him. she has to have a good time with him. and for shits and giggles she has to fuck him and tell me whether he is good or not. even though i am not alive, i am sure i could hear her. maybe i will be a ghost and watch over her. she deserves the best life ever. she deserves everything. she does so much for everyone and hardly ever gets credit for it.
i am tired, so i am going to finish painting my mural.
New Years - 2007-01-02
Halloween - 2006-10-30
She has definately has some sort of impact - 2006-09-25
Her very last entry... This is my very first... - 2006-09-19
My goodbye - 2006-05-03
">he's gone? - 2004.09.28
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